Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in pinkoleander's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
2:38 am	White Houses This song reminds me of so many times and so many memories. If you're not touched by it then you weren't even worth my time. Crashed on the floor when I moved in This little bungalow with some strange new friends Stay up too late, and I'm too thin We promise each other it's til the end Now we're spinning empty bottles It's the five of us With pretty eyed boys girls die to trust I can't resist the day No, I can't resist the day Jenny screams out and it's no pose 'Cause when she dances she goes and goes Beer through the nose on an inside joke I'm so excited, I haven't spoken And she's so pretty, and she's so sure Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her The summer's all in bloom The summer is ending soon It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone But I hold on to your secrets in white houses Maybe I'm a little bit over my head I come undone at the things he said And he's so funny in his bright red shirt We were all in love and we all got hurt I sneak into his car's black leather seat The smell of gasoline in the summer heat Boy, we're going way too fast It's all too sweet to last It's alright And I put myself in his hands But I hold on to your secrets in white houses Love, or something ignites in my veins And I pray it never fades in white houses My first time, hard to explain Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think He's my first mistake Maybe you were all faster than me We gave each other up so easily These silly little wounds will never mend I feel so far from where I've been So I go, and I will not be back here again I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses I lie, put my injuries all in the dust In my heart is the five of us In white houses And you, maybe you'll remember me What I gave is yours to keep In white houses [x3] Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: White Houses-Vanessa Carlton. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 30th, 2004
12:10 pm	I'm better off now. Slowly the pen touches paper in the guidance of the words that you write. Memories roll in; of the things you once did and who you had shared them with. Is somebody thinking of you? Did I bother telling you this, with the words that cross teeth and jump lips? A poor choice of words, in wanting to tell you anything. But words don't come with ease. They're forever my hurt. Would it really matter, if you were to count the days left with your hands? Your focus secure and the loves you left; well smiles staged in photographs here until... You, you left the light on. There's a chance I might have tripped, girl You were there to hold on. [Chorus:] Ignoring the words of your obnoxious little brother; kill or be killed spilled the words from your mother. I'll lay awake for a while. I'll leave the light on a while. But you couldn't last a lifetime. Caught between here and the days of it; carving her name across your arm with every wish. It's hit or miss... her. I told you so. I measured distance in lines departing the rest of my life. But you, you, you... you had better things to do [x2] Liar, liar, liar, liar. [x6] [Chorus] If you get put to sleep, like an old dog, you're better off. If you get put to sleep; I've been cautious with the words I extend. Allow this year before the world starts to end. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 16th, 2004
1:43 am	sexed up. beaten and bruised... I have a hicky/bruise on my neck from my best friend... who's a girl... How do I go about explaining this to my mother? This should make for an interesting lie. It's bad enough she already thinks we're doin' it. That's ok though... I haven't updated in forever but I really don't remember where I left off. I was seeing Michael. A guy from love.com He was really cool. Then Jake told me he had herpes when I was in the act of having sex. Then I broke up with Michael. Last night I went to a stip club. The girls weren't even cute. Or at least not a lot of them were. And tonight... Well I don't trust anyone who reads this enough to know what happened tonight. If you're interested ask me about it. Current Mood: horny (Comment on this)
Monday, July 5th, 2004
4:03 am	Michael and I are not. And I doubt we will be. I don't really think I want a relationship right know... or maybe with him. I don't really know what's going to come out of this, but what ever happens happens. We got a little more aquatianted on Friday night. I didn't see him Saturday. I think that I need to spend some more time with him alone before I make any decisions about where this is going. I did kiss someone else on Saturday night. Someone I worked with at On the Border. It was a spontenious thing. There is also someone at Red Robin who told me he wants to take me out on a date. I think that would be fun. You know once you get past that whole awkward stage of being shy, things just come so easily. I think that I need to date or 'see' different people to really know what I want. Today I worked a double and then drove into the city to see the fireworks, but that didn't really happen because we were in traffic on 676. That sucked but it was a really fun night and fireworks wouldn't have changed it much. So after a good night, I'm going to go have a good night's sleep. I'm outie! Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 1st, 2004
4:11 pm	Bye bye beautiful Well, Michael and I still aren't official but I am seeing him on Saturday night. Hopefully we cover more grround on exactlly where he wants this to go because I'm interested in more then friends and possibly more then dating. I haven't talked to Val in a couple days. Ashley too. I have work tonight at Barnes and Nobles at seven and I worked at Red Robin today and before that I handed out flyers for Barnes and Nobles. I am tired. Last night was Chris's 21st. It was a good time. It was strange because Jake showed up twice unexpectedly. It was weird. I think I'm going to take a nap or something. Toodles. Current Mood: stressed Current Music: Coheed and Cambria- number six... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 30th, 2004
4:28 am	I'm gonna shuffle his deck clean. It turns out that Michael is a great in person as he is online and on the phone. I think I can really be starting to like him which is a good thing. The last time I had updated it wasn't a big thing that I had hooked up with a couple people because I hadn't thought that Michael and I were together or anything. On Friday I met him and he took me to Outback Steakhouse. It was nerve racking on my part. I was scared because I had never been on a date before. He was a perfect gentleman. He even kissed me goodnight. I had never been kissed goodnight before that. It was very nice. On Sunday night I believe Michael came over to Sara's and Chris and me and Sara and Michael hung out for a couple hours. Ashley stopped by too. He got to see what a couple of my friends are like. The four of us (me Michael, Sara and Chris) went to Clubhouse and on the way home I made the move we kissed most of the way back to Sara's. The rest of the night went very smoothly and we cuddled and when I walked him to his car (he met me at Sara's) it made that night perfect. I think something great can come out of this. Which leads me to the next subject. I'm not even sure if it matters at this point in our relationship, but I guess I'm going to make it matter right now. Tonight (Tuesday), a couple friends gathered at Sara's again. Minus Michael. We played truth or dare. I kissed four people and other things happened. Now that I think about it though I think that some of it should not have happened. After thinking about it and now that I'm here at home thinking of Sunday night, I feel guilt. I think that is why I am now making it matter the way I feel about Michael. I know it's quite early in the relationship like I mentioned, but I know that Michael would be hurt or uncomfortable in one way or another if he knew what I did tonight. That's why I am going to make myself not do anything stupid that could fuck something up that has potential. I am taking myself off the market. I will talk to Michael about what happened though. I want him to still pursue this as much as I want him to. This is my first feeling of guilt I've had to deal with. If Michael and I aren't even in a relationship yet, I can't see how people can live with themselves after cheating on someone you're in love with. This also brings me to another subject that I'm only going to graze over. Jake you really fucking suck because of what you put your girlfriend through. Get over yourself and learn some discipline and become faithful if you love her. It's not fair to her. Ok I'm done with that. So I've decided I'm not going to kiss anyone but Michael so Sara B is no longer playing anymore dirty games at parties! Go me. I do think that I will be going to bed now because I have work at noon and I work at Barnes and Nobles tomorrow. Oh yeah, I put in my two weeks there today. I fucking rule. I need money in the worst way. Good night. P.S.- Sara. It seems as though I got through a rough time I was going through. Thank you for being there for me and listening. I'm floating on to the better things that are waiting for me. You rock. Current Mood: guilty Current Music: Y100- Modest Mouse: Float on (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004
1:50 am	Calling your name hoping for something to wash these dreams of you away. Cross out the eyes. Well, to start I've met someone, or at least have been talking to someone who wants to take me on a date. That makes me very happy. You know to think that there's someone who wants to wine and dine you. Something good might come out of it. I sure hope so. I hope he's as awsome of a guy in person as he is online and on the phone. Tonight was fun though. Sara, Mike Berry, Greg, Ashley, Val, and Erin (big mistake) played sex dice. Ok. Not what it sounds like. Erin's a pussy for one. She hardly did anything because she sucks. Greg made out with Mike. Sara and Mike made out. Sara and Ashley made out. Me and Mike made out. Me and Sara made out and she gave me a hicky. Me and Ashley also made out. Mike is crushin' on Sara I think. That's ok though because he's a cutie because he's so shy. Oh yes, Jake also stopped by. I found out his last name for Erin because she's a cunt. But it didn't even feel like that much happened when we were playing the sex dice. That's probably because most of it happened when Erin stole my car while I was making out with Ashley in Sara's room. That was really stupid. Erin taking my car and all. She swore up and down that I wouldn't be that mad. Fuck her. But I also heard that she was egged on by mainly Greg but Sara too. That's not cool. Not to mention Erin taking my shirt to wear out today and she fucking stole twenty bucks from me for toll money. If someone knows any toll that's twenty dollars for a fucking buggy to go through please let me know where that is. Not in Cherry Hill! Fucker. I don't know if I wrote it in here that I now work at Red Robin too. I probably have written about my torturous days slaving away getting all smelly. But my work like sucks. Anywho, I don't think I updated when I got my sternum done. It's peirced and looking good. Then there's still the money problems but who doesn't have them? So I think I'm going to go drift off to sleep hoping that Michael is as special in person as he is when I talk to him elsewhere. I'll update to tell you when my heart gets broken. Buh byes. Current Mood: devious Current Music: Thursday (Comment on this)
Monday, May 31st, 2004
2:08 pm	I remember the look in your eyes when I told you this was goodbye Well, I'm pretty sure it's official. I'm depressed. It's not going away. That feeling of hopelessness, loneliness, tired of trying. You know. I'm tired of pretending everything's ok. It's not ok, feeling that you're never going to love. Even worst it's not alright to feel you're never going to be loved for what you are. I've been on the back burner, but watch out when I get over this... I'm going to come out of this a completely different person. No one is going to walk all over me. I think I should put up a warning... ***** Warning***** If your intentions are to hurt me or to inflict any kind of emotional or pysical pain on me, you'll get bitch slapped and then shoved right out of my life. If you hurt me, you'll be without me, forever. Take this warning seriously because I am very serious. I stole this thing from sara's journal. It's pretty accurate. P Primitive I Inspirational N Neat K Keen O Outrageous L Loud E Extreme A Awkward N Naughty D Delicate E Energetic R Realistic Name / Username: Name Acronym Generator From Go-Quiz.com Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 29th, 2004
12:44 am	pitty the fool. I am no where near where I want to be. Or where I need to be. My father is doing well. My bills are far from organized. I'm becoming a miserable person. But lets look at the bright side of things for a second. *erin got a car... no more trucking her around *instead of baby sitting for five days this time it was only three. more fun time. *I'm not working at Barnes and Nobles till tuesday that will be over two weeks since I've been there. *I'm working a double tomorrow to get more money. Not much of an update for twenty two days, butyou can always ask or comment if you are interested. Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Friday, May 7th, 2004
12:35 am	Well, today (technically) I'm taking my dad to the hospitol for his surgery. I'm nervous but I'm told he'll be fine. I sure hope so because I'm so depressed right now this will be the breaking point. I suck so much. Adam does indeed have a girlfriend. Although I hadn't seen him in like a month or something, it wasn't like it used to be when I saw him more recently. People keep telling me that I don't want to be in love, but you know what... It's not fun watching from the sidelines any more. I can't wait for finals to be over and i'll start being able to pay my bills and get them organized and whatnot. I have to get my life together because I'm falling apart at the seems. help me. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
12:42 am	twelve long days and still no word. I hardly think anymore of what I can have. Of what I want, of what I need. the loneliness is eating me alive. I can barely breath anymore with out the pain pushing against the walls of my chest. breaking through the skin won't hurt half as much as keeping it in. Will this ever end for me? I look at myself and I'm beyond the point of recognition. I don't know myself anymore. how can anyone else figure me out or understand where I'm coming from? (Comment on this)
Friday, April 16th, 2004
1:51 am	I'm feeling better then the last time I updated. I think it was the weather that was making me depressed. Lately I've been havin' good times with Sara. I lied to my mom last night. It was a rush, but it's not going to become a habit. I hate lieing. I'm such a hypocrit. I'm not going to focus on any one person/emotion anymore. I find something that triggers a feeling inside of me and I indulge in the feeling. I think that's my biggest weakness. I find something I like and I want more of the feeling, and soon enough that's all I'm thinking about. I suck. I'm a good person though and tonight emily told me 'I hope you meet someone nice. You're an awsome person and you deserve someone who will be good to you.' It was sweet and I thanked her. She told me to be impossible to have and everyone will want me. I am impossible, but I'm not to have. You can take all of me and I'll still have more to give. That's why I'm impossible. Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 11th, 2004
11:21 pm	I couldn't wait to get away. Then I couldn't wait to be home again. Now I can't wait to matter to someone. I feel like I'm being walked all over. I feel like no one believes I can succeed. It will never be enough. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 1st, 2004
1:28 am	It's been quite some time, since the last update. I saw Adam today. We talked and I suggested we hang out some time. I also gave him my phone number. It's a waiting game for now. I got my pictures from spring break off of my camera because I finally got the cord from Greg. He sent pictures he had taken along with them. I really haven't been in the best moods lately because I've been down and lonely. I feel better today though. I don't work at Barnes and Nobles till next wednesday. That's nuts. I have work the whole week at Red Robin. I hope everything goes smoothly there. It should be fun. I'm more excited about the Adam thing then I let on. I'm afraid I'll let myself think there's more there then there actually is, ,if that make sense to anyone. But I must be off because I'm really tired. good night all. Current Mood: drained Current Music: Lost prophets-last train home (it's been stuck in my head) (Comment on this)
Friday, March 5th, 2004
12:29 am	I can't wait till next week. I have to get away from here. I feel tied down, but at the same time, I feel like I have nothing to be tied down to. It used to be that I didn't mind so much, not having someone, but I'm ready for something to change my life. Hopefully for the better. Make me happy. Make me want you. Make me love you. I am ready, where are you? Take me somewhere I've never been. I need something more. I need to be needed by someone who loves me. Dispite the recent events, this is not about that. This is about what I've wanted my whole life. This is about love. Not about lust. Love me. Current Mood: envious (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 4th, 2004
11:41 am	I'm about to head out for school. Yesterday was an interesting day. I hung out with Ashley for a bit, then Sara, then Ashley again. I think I should have gone with Sara though. That would have been fun. This saturday's going to be awsome though. I have so much homework to do and Adam's leaving for his road trip tomorrow. Then I'm going down the friday. Not fair. Anyways, I better get ready. Can't miss class once again. Byes. Just bend the pieces till they fit, like they were made for it But they weren't meant for this. Chasing the ghost of a good thing, hunting yourself as a real thing It's getting away from you again while you're chasing ghosts. Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
Monday, March 1st, 2004
4:14 pm	School sucked. Had lunch with mom. Have to work. Erin's sick. I'll be in Miami in two weeks. I can't wait. GET ME OUT OF PENNSYLVANIA! Current Mood: anxious Current Music: black hole sun- sound garden (Comment on this)
12:20 am	I got an unexpected boost of self-confidence I desperately needed. GO ME! Well, this weekend was a nice one. I worked on friday and then hung out with a couple friends at the Great American, didn't eat thought so Ashley and I went to Club House to eat. Yum. Saturday I cut my bio class which probably wasn't the smartest idea, but hey, who operates normally on three and a half hours of sleep? So I got a little extra rest and went out with Ashley. Rented Empire Records. Around 12:15 I left Jenn's to go over to Sara's. I ran into an old aquaintance while waiting for her. It was ok to see him. Then we drove out to Pottstown or somewhere. I had an excellent time, mainly beecause I was hanging out with Sara. Interesting wake up call, but everything's peachy. Came home, slept a little. Then picked up my stranded brother, drove him to work, went to the river because it was a beautiful day, went to the mall so Val and Melissa could try on a couple dresses for thier prom, hung out with Ricky, Chuck, Mario, Ashley, Val, and Melissa, took Chuck home, dropped Ash off at Jenn's, then finally I came home and didn't do the homework that I really really have to do. I'm a fucking idiot. I have to get my sister at one too. Procrastination is a stupid habit. I should stop babbling and get to work! P.S.- Sara I loved every second of seeing you this weekend! Current Mood: lethargic (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 22nd, 2004
11:57 pm	'hey what are friends for?' Well, apperently I suck. I don't care about friendships. You know I never cared about anything. Nothing at all. I never listened. I never cried for you. I never call. I know why, it's because I have a couple new friends. Speaking of my new friends, after Sara didn't answer her phone (see i remembered she had off all day today and she wanted to go to the gym), I got a call from Ricky. Me and Ricky went and saw a movie. We saw Monster. Excellent movie. Then I drove him back to his house and he showed me his art work. He's a great artist and has a lot of pride and confidence when it comes to his work. He's an awsome person. I can't wait to get to know him better. Anyway, I have to type up a paper that was due on Friday and look for the sylibus that I know I won't find until 3 am.(if at all) Then I'll do my math homework. HAVE A GREAT NIGHT ALL!!! My night was great. Just FUCKING PEACHY. Current Mood: indescribable (2 Comments |Comment on this)
4:35 pm	we'll head to the inlet and we'll share a bottle there Yesterday was quite a long day... I went to school for five hours,worked and went out. I didn't feel to great at work because my sinuses are bothering me, but everything was A OK when Adam was there. It was even better when I was talking to him. I think I'm gonna try and see if he'll hang out or something. Maybe, just maybe something will go my way. I have to get ready to take Erin to work and then possibly hanging out with Ricky. We'll see if he calls! heh heh heh. I'm outies. Current Mood: okay (Comment on this)